OCD/ STD

As I stood at the urinal today, I looked down and wondered how diseased and filthy the rubber mat I was standing on was. I’m a little bit of a germ phobe. I began to think about all of my odd little habits, my idiosyncrasies; we all have them. I, like some people have more than others and SHOULD be medicated for it. But I chose not to. I actually enjoy being an overly organized, germ phobic, anxiety ridden, and excessively washed, clean freak perfectionist. It’s just quirky I think. This QUIRK spilleth over my cup into most aspects of my life. I iron my sheets; change my underwear several times a day; I wash my face for EXACTLY 120 seconds every morning and night; I eat 1 cup of cereal with one cup of milk at a time –granted, I could finish off a box of Lucky Charms in an evening, but one cup at a time –I count steps; and there certain foods I will and won’t eat according to their level of natural cleanliness –real or perceived. I’m not talking about debating eating an M&M if it fell on the floor cleanliness, I’m talking about the innate filth and disease naturally acquired in food or through improper handling and preparation techniques. This usually isn’t an issue if I’ve prepared the food myself or I know and the trust the person and the kitchen in which the food was made. But, there are 3 specific foods that I WILL NOT eat in a restaurant setting, and sometimes even at home. I will go into the details as to why I feel the way I do about these foods later but let’s discuss the foods and their potential hazards.

#1: Eggs: First off I should say that when I do eat eggs, I just want to eat eggs. I think it is absolutely disgusting to put anything in my eggs. Barf. Omelets are the devil’s food. HOWEVER, deviled eggs are Manna from Heaven if they’re made in a sterile environment and with my recipe. There are a few things I want you to think about the next time you think about ordering your favorite Grand Slam. A little lesson in basic biology: many creatures of the female variety have a lovely monthly visitor –for which I am grateful I do not have –that visit is the process of eliminating eggs from her body. These eggs can be smaller than the head of a pin to larger than my head! A chicken’s egg is about the size of a lime. But think about you are essentially eating chicken period. Vomit. Here’s the crazy part, I can get past that. What I can’t get past is the improper handling of said chicken period. I actually can’t explain what it is that I don’t trust, I just feel that eggs are never properly cooked thoroughly and will make me sick. Even if they are properly cooked, I’m such a mental case, that I think I’m sick anyway!

#2: Mayonnaise: Well right off the bat, mayo is made from eggs, problem #1. Problem #2 is that it tastes like butt. Dispute me all you want but mayonnaise is just plain disgusting. Problem #3: Mayo and the sun don’t get along. Now seeing that I LOVE the sun, I be hanging out in it with my mayo products lying about can I? Every year over Labor Day; my birthday, my family gets together and has a big potluck bbq. Inevitability there is some sort of potato salad, macaroni salad and coleslaw concoction. And every year I am polite and take a small helping as not to offend. And every year without fail I get sick –on my birthday!!! –not fun! I can only blame myself and my good friend the sun for being jealous of my betrayal of our relationship.

#3: Lettuce: This seemingly harmless, even healthy vegetable doesn’t seem to be a likely suspect in my fight to shield myself from diseased food. However, did you know that lettuce is the #1 food carrier of Hepatitis? Yup, #1. That’s because it’s so common restaurants and workers aren’t washing properly –that’s a whole other blog entry –and then handling your lettuce. Once you have it on your plate or in your favorite salad bar it is already covered in fecal matter. You may as well wipe it on a theater chair or a bowling ball. Shredded lettuce is the worst! I don’t know why, I just assume that in my head. I think because it gets soggy. And the only thing worse than lettuce is soggy lettuce.

Now this leads me to why I think this way about these particular foods. I blame my mother. She wouldn’t eat eggs at restaurants due to the fact that under cooking them could cause salmonella. When I asked her what that was, her answer was simply, “a disease that makes you sick.” Well I knew I didn’t want to have a disease that makes you sick so eggs were off the list. Years later I learned that mayo was made from eggs… off. This was not a hard sacrifice since I’d rather lick a pigs eyeball than eat mayo. The final straw came when I was watching the news and heard of a Hepatitis from dirty lettuce. After hearing all the facts I swore off lettuce. But what was this Hepatitis they spoke of. Of course I went to the source of all answers, my mom. When I asked her what it was she should have then asked what strand of Hepatitis I was curious about. But she simply said, “an STD.” To which I followed up with, “What’s an STD?” She replied “A disease that makes you sick.” Well you can see my confusion at this point, if Hepatitis is an STD and STDs are diseases that makes you sick and salmonella was also a disease that made you sick it must also be an STD. I DID NOT WANT AN STD!

So the three foods were gone. A few years later I was sitting in the cafeteria of Cook Elementary about to eat my fried chicken breast sandwich… healthy, I know… I lifted the bun only to find that it contained both lettuce and mayo. I could not eat this! Politely I asked the lunch lady if I could have another sandwich with no mayo or lettuce. She asked me why and I said “I don’t want an STD!” Well, none of the other kids were as smart as me and knew what an STD was, but of disgust was enough for them to know that they didn’t want one either! Soon every student in line demanded a new sandwich. This wreaked havoc in the lunchroom that day. It reached the playground and unfortunately for me the teacher’s lounge, the principal’s office and eventually my mom. When this kind of thing happens in the third grade several steps have to be taken to rectify the problem. First, the teacher must delicately, politically correctly and non-sexually describe what an STD is and how you cannot get it from chicken sandwiches, mayo, lettuce, eggs or any other food product. Second a meeting with you mom and principal take place where the REAL definition of STD and matter of contraction is explained. Instruction on NOT telling anyone else is emphatically placed. Finally you grounded from playing with friends from a week and forced to go out to eat and order a dish heavy in eggs, lettuce and mayo simply to prove that these things would not give me an STD… Only a nasty stomach ache.

To this day I don’t, or at least rarely eat these items. When questioned about it, I simply say “I don’t want to get sick.” But really I’m thinking, “ I don’t want an STD.”