It's go time!

UPS, I HATE YOU!!!!!
UPS, I HATE YOU!!!!!

I'm VERY angry right now and my rant my not make any sense. Bear with me...

So UPS and I are in a HUGE fight right now. I HATE them. A couple of weeks back I purchased a few t-shirts from the Banana. A few is maybe an understatement. I bought about $200 worth of t-shirts. So last Thursday I found a notice on my door telling me that UPS had been by but couldn't leave the package. They'd be back the next day. Well, therein lays the problem. I work and therefore cannot be home when they drop the package off. So I left a nice note telling them that they had my permission to leave the package at my front door. Well, Friday afternoon I came home to find the same notice with a boxed checked stating that they had come by a second time. So I called UPS to find out why on earth my package wasn't left. They informed me that it was up to the discretion of the driver as to whether or not they wanted to leave the package. They won't deliver on Saturday or Sunday nor could I come by and pick it up. Monday morning rolls around and this time I left another note. It read: "Dear UPS, LEAVE THE PACKAGE!!!! I release you from any responsibility of this package. I am not home until after 8pm. If you want to deliver it after that, that's fine. Otherwise LEAVE THE PACKAGE. Thanks, N. Robbins." You would think this would suffice. Oh no. I come home to find another notice telling me this was their third and final attempt to drop off my package and that it would now be sent back to the shipper. As you can imagine I am now FUMING mad!! I call UPS again and tell them that I want my package delivered NOW!! She tells me that they only attempt delivery once in a day and that if the driver got back to the office before they closed I could come pick it up there. She called later that day to tell me the driver wouldn't be in until late and that my package would be sent back to the Banana. I am SOOO pissed at this point I am yelling at her. Tuesday was a shitty day all together. I woke up with an ear ache and called in sick to work. I decided that I'd go to lunch with Suzie and enjoy what I could of my day off. Not anticipating that UPS was coming back anytime soon; they only make three attempts, I was surprised to find yet another notice on my door. This time telling me that they had decided to try and deliver it one last time. Well a phone call would have been nice. Had I known they were coming, I would have stayed home. This time the phone call was not nice. It went something like this:

UPS: Hello UPS
NKR: Hi, this is Nick Robbins. Apparently your driver attempted to deliver a package to me today and I wasn't home when he came by. I am usually not home and I wasn't' anticipating him coming by today. Had he called I could have stayed home.
UPS: I'm sorry sir. It looks like in the notes that he had decided to give it one last shot.
NKR: I told them to leave the package the last 4 times I called
UPS: Well that's up to the driver as to whether or not they feel comfortable doing that
NKR: I don't care if the driver is comfortable. I want my package left
UPS: You can't authorize that sir
NKR: It's my damn package! LEAVE IT!
UPS: Well sir there's no point now, the package will be shipped back to Banana Republic today
NKR: Then what
UPS: Then Banana Republic will resend it
NKR: Then we go through this all over again? When will I finally get my package!?
UPS: When you are home to accept the package
NKR: I'M NEVER HOME TO ACCEPT A PACKAGE!!!! WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THIS?!
UPS: Listen sir, I'm willing to do this for you. If the package gets back tonight I will call you and stay late so you can pick it up. Will that work.
NKR: Yes, that's fine. Thank you for helping me

A few hours later I get a calling telling me that if I can pick up my package by 7:30 I can have it. Well that's certainly nice, but it was 7:18!! I hate them. Well I knew I could make it to UPS if I drove fast enough and prayed hard enough. I live near the 9th and 9th neighborhood of Salt Lake City and UPS is in West Valley. It’s at least a 30 minute drive. Of course there’s construction on the 210 so it’s not going to take 40-45 minutes and I have 12 minutes. I should note there that I drive like a grandma; going above the speed limit is a feat for me. I was passing drivers right and left, flipping them off and swearing like a sailor (nothing new there). I finally made it to UPS at 7:42. I was 12 minutes late. I saw the area where customers can pick up packages and it was locked up. I then saw the area where the UPS trucks arrive and depart. I was going in there. I knew that just because they door was locked and they were closed there was still someone in that will-call department. And if all else fails I’m pretty sure there is at least ONE competent person at UPS who can get my package. I was wrong. As I drove through the truck gate I was swarmed by the UPS SWAT Team (old men in brown Dickies), waving me down and yelling for me to stop. The circled my car like a gang and told me I was trespassing into unauthorized territory. You’d think I’d just tried to break into the Pentagon. I relayed my story yet again which only made me more upset. They told me that the only way to get my package was through the will-call office. I decided this was not good enough. I took my foot off the break and my car lurched forward. Did you know that UPS security guards carry guns? I was unaware of this until last night. I agreed to leave the premises but warned them that if I didn’t have my package in my hands (get your mind out of the gutter) by the next day I was not going to be as accommodating. I’m pretty sure they knew I was serious because they then told me they were calling the cops. I decided I had better leave. I am now going to take a break from work and go retrieve my shirts. I hate you UPS!